Yep… I’ve said it. POST-NATAL DEPRESSION is a real thing. Whether people wanna talk about it or not, it happens to most women after a baby. Some are just sad the pregnancy is over, for some it’s just a hormone imbalance for a few months whilst the hormones re-adjust & for others, it’s full blown, not leaving the house, not showering, living in a pig sty depression.
All of these are okay & it’s completely normal. No matter which one it is, seek help the second you feel it. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of & it should be spoken about more often!
With my first child (12 years ago) I had serious post-natal depression. It was extremely bad! I wasn’t coping at all. I went on anti-depressants which took the edge off but still never really felt myself. Which, I guess, after a baby you never feel yourself again. You’re a changed person & sometimes that’s hard to deal with as well.
After a year or so, I felt a bit more normal. Got a boyfriend, started going out when I turned 18. Had a normal life (whatever normal is!). After my second, I was absolutely fine. No depression, loved life & everything life threw at me. Which to be fair, at that time, nothing bad really happened so everything was going alright! I had a home which I loved, 2 kids, freedom every other weekend to go do what I wanted & managed to financially not be too bad off.
When I got diagnosed with bipolar, I then went off the rails, refusing help & completely went on self destruct for a good 3 years (maybe even longer). I gave my kids up. My oldest (Jay) went to live with his dad & my youngest (Leo) went to live with my mum & step dad. The first few months apparently I didn’t see the kids at all (I was going through some stuff & a lot of it a blanked out & don’t remember) but then I saw them every other weekend & half the holidays.
I’ll get to all that at another stage, that’s just a bit of background in to my mental health. I’m nearly 5 weeks in with my newborn & practically doing it alone. During the pregnancy my bipolar diagnosis pretty much got thrown out & replaced with EUPD which is just another personality disorder. No meds needed, just therapy if & when I want it & a number to call should things get too much. Depression has hit me. & hard. But it’s not what ‘normal’ depression looks like.
My house isn’t a tip & I promise I don’t smell, I am showering. Or if I’m too tired I do just have a very quick flannel wash. But I’m scared to leave the house but that’s not due to depression. That’s due to worrying about bumping in to Oscar’s father (the one who’s abandoned us).
We live in a very small town & he lives about a 10 minute walk away from us. We shop in the same place, could easily see each other driving around etc… it’s hard enough trying to cope & raise a child on your own, throw in some personality disorders & a complete lack of self esteem & some resentment mixed in with unresolved feelings & it’s a recipe for disaster.
As much as I really hate him for what he’s done, I do still love him & do just really want to see him. I want that familiarity back. Everything in my life has changed & I just want him around. Our relationship wasn’t exactly what you’d call stable, we were very on & off but even that was stable in itself. It was just how our relationship went. I can’t help sitting here at home wishing he was here & being upset that he’s not, as much as I hate to admit all that but no one I know will ever see any of this, so it’s okay.
I had an appointment with my doctor the other day about anti depressants but he just told me to wait until my 6 week check to ‘see if I felt any better’. Obviously doesn’t think I’ll kill myself in that time which is very flattering 🙄
Help is usually out there if you ask for it though. The Samaritans are also such amazing people & I will put their contact details at the bottom of this blog. I used to use them quite frequently & I have a feeling I will start to again very soon.
Never be afraid to ask for help. Whether it’s a doctor, family, friends or even someone you don’t know. I remember when I worked in McDonald’s, I took a customers food out to their car for them & he looked at me, said thank you & then said “I’m really depressed”. I could see it in his eyes. I told him to come in to the store with me, I sat him at a table, quickly told my manager that I was taking my break & why. I got my food & we sat & ate together for 45 minutes (my allowed break time in an 8 hour shift). & I like to believe that really helped him. I took time out of my break & my own life to try & be there for a complete stranger. So don’t ever feel like you can’t tell anyone. There will ALWAYS be someone willing to listen & help!
There are also a shed load of self help apps out there. One I find useful is called “habit” which is basically if you’re a busy person & don’t have any time for yourself to do the things you like, it tries to help you set aside time for yourself which is especially handy when you have children as they’re obviously very time consuming & need most of your attention most of the time!
Even a friendly stranger on a blog feed ☺️ now I’ve gotta go eat so I don’t lose my breast milk! I’m here for anyone, should they need it!
Peace out ✌🏼
Samaritans phone number – 116 123 – free to call
Samaritans email address – jo@samaritans.org – free to email
If I can do it, anyone can! 