If I can do it, anyone can!

Post-natal DEPRESSION

Yep… I’ve said it. POST-NATAL DEPRESSION is a real thing. Whether people wanna talk about it or not, it happens to most women after a baby. Some are just sad the pregnancy is over, for some it’s just a hormone imbalance for a few months whilst the hormones re-adjust & for others, it’s full blown, not leaving the house, not showering, living in a pig sty depression.

All of these are okay & it’s completely normal. No matter which one it is, seek help the second you feel it. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of & it should be spoken about more often!

With my first child (12 years ago) I had serious post-natal depression. It was extremely bad! I wasn’t coping at all. I went on anti-depressants which took the edge off but still never really felt myself. Which, I guess, after a baby you never feel yourself again. You’re a changed person & sometimes that’s hard to deal with as well.

After a year or so, I felt a bit more normal. Got a boyfriend, started going out when I turned 18. Had a normal life (whatever normal is!). After my second, I was absolutely fine. No depression, loved life & everything life threw at me. Which to be fair, at that time, nothing bad really happened so everything was going alright! I had a home which I loved, 2 kids, freedom every other weekend to go do what I wanted & managed to financially not be too bad off.

When I got diagnosed with bipolar, I then went off the rails, refusing help & completely went on self destruct for a good 3 years (maybe even longer). I gave my kids up. My oldest (Jay) went to live with his dad & my youngest (Leo) went to live with my mum & step dad. The first few months apparently I didn’t see the kids at all (I was going through some stuff & a lot of it a blanked out & don’t remember) but then I saw them every other weekend & half the holidays.

I’ll get to all that at another stage, that’s just a bit of background in to my mental health. I’m nearly 5 weeks in with my newborn & practically doing it alone. During the pregnancy my bipolar diagnosis pretty much got thrown out & replaced with EUPD which is just another personality disorder. No meds needed, just therapy if & when I want it & a number to call should things get too much. Depression has hit me. & hard. But it’s not what ‘normal’ depression looks like.

My house isn’t a tip & I promise I don’t smell, I am showering. Or if I’m too tired I do just have a very quick flannel wash. But I’m scared to leave the house but that’s not due to depression. That’s due to worrying about bumping in to Oscar’s father (the one who’s abandoned us).

We live in a very small town & he lives about a 10 minute walk away from us. We shop in the same place, could easily see each other driving around etc… it’s hard enough trying to cope & raise a child on your own, throw in some personality disorders & a complete lack of self esteem & some resentment mixed in with unresolved feelings & it’s a recipe for disaster.

As much as I really hate him for what he’s done, I do still love him & do just really want to see him. I want that familiarity back. Everything in my life has changed & I just want him around. Our relationship wasn’t exactly what you’d call stable, we were very on & off but even that was stable in itself. It was just how our relationship went. I can’t help sitting here at home wishing he was here & being upset that he’s not, as much as I hate to admit all that but no one I know will ever see any of this, so it’s okay.

I had an appointment with my doctor the other day about anti depressants but he just told me to wait until my 6 week check to ‘see if I felt any better’. Obviously doesn’t think I’ll kill myself in that time which is very flattering 🙄

Help is usually out there if you ask for it though. The Samaritans are also such amazing people & I will put their contact details at the bottom of this blog. I used to use them quite frequently & I have a feeling I will start to again very soon.

Never be afraid to ask for help. Whether it’s a doctor, family, friends or even someone you don’t know. I remember when I worked in McDonald’s, I took a customers food out to their car for them & he looked at me, said thank you & then said “I’m really depressed”. I could see it in his eyes. I told him to come in to the store with me, I sat him at a table, quickly told my manager that I was taking my break & why. I got my food & we sat & ate together for 45 minutes (my allowed break time in an 8 hour shift). & I like to believe that really helped him. I took time out of my break & my own life to try & be there for a complete stranger. So don’t ever feel like you can’t tell anyone. There will ALWAYS be someone willing to listen & help!

There are also a shed load of self help apps out there. One I find useful is called “habit” which is basically if you’re a busy person & don’t have any time for yourself to do the things you like, it tries to help you set aside time for yourself which is especially handy when you have children as they’re obviously very time consuming & need most of your attention most of the time!

Even a friendly stranger on a blog feed ☺️ now I’ve gotta go eat so I don’t lose my breast milk! I’m here for anyone, should they need it!

Peace out ✌🏼

Samaritans phone number – 116 123 – free to call

Samaritans email address – jo@samaritans.org – free to email

What’s the best pain relief during labour?

Pain relief is different for everyone but I can almost guarantee you’ll differ from your birthing plan when you’re actually in labour.

With my first (2010) when I had just turned 17, I had gas & air & pethidine. When I was 8cm gone, I was begging for an epidural. They told me it was on its way but they actually had no intention of giving it to me as Jay was pretty much coming out by that point. They lied but only to keep me calm! I don’t remember having an established birthing plan, I was 16 years old throughout 99% of the pregnancy so their main concern was just helping me on how to be such a young mum rather than doing in depth birthing plans so I don’t remember picking a pain relief.

With my second (2014) I was adamant I only wanted gas & air, which I stuck to & that’s all I had.

This time round, almost 10 years later, almost 10 years worth of migraines, excruciating back pain, general body aches & pains, I was fed up with being in pain. As soon as the contractions started to twinge a little, I caved & asked for an epidural even though I had only planned on having gas & air. My only thought when the pain started was “fuck this” as well knowing I’d be in pain for weeks after as well!

Gas & air is great. If you’ve ever played around with doing nos balloons, it’s the same stuff & I love it! I’d love to get my mum on it 😂 I used the gas & air whilst they were putting in the epidural. No one prepared me for the pain of them actually putting the epidural in! Christ almighty that was painful! Some people (& I was one of these people) get a god awful electric shock down their leg whilst they’re inputting it all & I have a high pain tolerance but that electric shock brought me to tears! I wasn’t expecting it at all!

Once the epidural was in, I was allowed to control it. So they have a certain amount which is always going in to you, then there’s a button I was allowed to press when I wanted a bigger hit. I started off by using the button any time the contractions got a bit more painful but it takes about 20 minutes for that hit to come through so they told me to press it every time I was allowed (the button flashed green every 20 minutes & if you press it before that, it doesn’t work so it’s impossible to have too much/overdose).

After about 5-6 times of pressing it every time it flashed green, I noticed I couldn’t actually feel my legs or feet any more. I had no feeling down there whatsoever from the top of my coccyx to my toes! No sensations to push or pee or poo. Nothing. It was great but weird.

When you’re in labour, you’re on a monitor so you have 2 little circle things kind of stuck to your belly. One for baby’s heartbeat & one to measure contractions. The midwife told me every time I was getting a contraction & when she told me it was time to push, I had to try. But again, didn’t really know I was pushing. I felt pressure after a while when he was actually coming out, but no pain! Whatever is in that epidural, I want some at home!

When I first asked for the epidural, I had a specialist epidural doctor come to my room & explain the risks & general ins & outs. You may be told “it will give you back problems if they put it in the wrong place” but I was told that risk is so minimal.

It’s not a midwife who puts the epidural in you, again, there’s a special epidural doctor. I think it took about 30 minutes to put it in. You have to try stay really still as well whilst you’re having contractions & the pain of them putting it in too. Big needles & all sorts poking one of the most sensitive & nervy bits of your body. It’s not easy to stay still!

I mentioned pethidine at the beginning of this. I’m honestly not really sure what it is but I found that personally for me, it done nothing. I’m pretty sure it’s just paracetamol which, during labour, is not gonna touch anything at all 😂

If anything is gonna put me off having another kid, it’s that epidural! Never again! Maybe I’ll stock up on condoms & all other types of contraception 😂

Peace out ✌🏼

First sexy times after giving birth…

So we did the deed. For me it felt more like a chore. My hormones obviously haven’t settled back to normal 4 weeks post natal, which is normal. Im not thinking about sex, in fact, it couldn’t be further from my list of wants & priorities. My first want is a hot cup of tea, not a stone cold one that’s been half drank by one of my cats 🙄

Obviously I know that’s difficult for the guy I’m seeing but he understands… for now anyway.

It’s nerve racking enough sleeping with someone new for the first time, let alone it being 4 weeks after giving birth to someone else’s child.

My body wasn’t ready either. I had heavy bleeding & bad cramps the next day & the actual sex did hurt a little too. I only had a graze from the birth which has healed so that wasn’t an issue, it hurt inside.

So lesson learnt – not to pressure myself in to situations I’m not 100% happy with. You’d have thought being nearly 30 with plenty of unhappy life experiences that I would already know that but apparently I chose to ignore my amazing womanly instincts! Never mind!

Now I’m going to ignore the mess of the house, the piled up washing & the plates that need washing up & have a nap instead because when he’s sleeping, I should be sleeping! 😁

Peace out ✌🏼

Week 3

So I found out yesterday that Oscar’s father has changed his phone number so that none of us can contact him.

He hasn’t met his son, literally just abandoned me a week before Oscar was born & not heard from him since. He knows he’s been born. We’ve all tried contacting his other family members but to no avail. Disgusting behaviour really but we’re better off without their toxicity!

Tonight I’m going out for a few hours with a guy I’ve been seeing for a few months for his mums birthday! It’s also going to be the first time we’ll be having sex. It’s been anticipated for so long & I’m scared 😂

My mum & step dad are coming round to babysit whilst we’re out. I’ve been expressing bottles all week so they’ll have enough. Hopefully Oscar will let me have a bath today so I can shave & stuff!

I’ll let you all know how it goes! Wish me luck 😂

Peace out ✌🏼

A new day!

Today was rushed in the morning. We woke up, got dressed & went straight to my mums to pick up her & my middle child, take him to school & then had a meeting with some of his key workers at the school as he’s on the SEND register for autism/mental health (at 8 years old). Then went back to my mums for an hour to wait for my step sister, went to where I work (obviously currently on maternity leave) as my step dad works there too. My colleagues met Oscar (new baby) & then my mum & I, Oscar, step sister (Charlotte) & step dad (Mark) went to the sea front to meet Marks parents for Charlotte’s birthday lunch.

Oscar was really good the whole time we were away from home. Slept for most of it. I took my mum home & then we came home. Oscar has been a bit of a bugger this evening but he’s still slightly constipated. He was crying, I turned the hoover on as I had decided to spend 3 hours moving the lounge furniture around & he stopped crying whilst the hoover was on 😂

Breast fed at 9pm after a very quick scream in the bath & he’s only just stirring now at 10.30pm. Time for me to go to bed I guess as I can hear him on the monitor. I’m shattered! The cats are going absolutely bezerk so that’s my cue to feed them & shut them up for the night! Night night!

Peace out ✌🏼

New baby

Having a new baby is hard. Oscar came 3 weeks early. Today is his due date. I decided to push the breastfeeding which with my other two only lasted a week. What I didn’t know & what no one told me is that when breastfeeding, once your milk is more established, you get breastfeeding sweats. I thought I was coming down with something, a fever of some sort. I feel cold but hot to the touch & constantly sweating! Apparently that’s normal!

Breast milk is a natural laxative but he’s still constipated & crying a lot, obviously in pain. It’s frustrating as his mum, I can’t help him & I’m supposed to be able to comfort him but I’ve just gotta wait for it to pass. Breastfed babies also don’t poop every day. Sometimes they can go up to 7 days without needing a poop!

My boobs are leaking all the time but barely getting any milk out of them when I use my electric express machine but then I hand express & get more out of them! I find it funny when I express as I can see the milk squirting in to the bottle 😂

He settles better with expressed milk as I can see/control how much he has. Usually 3oz settles him for a good couple of hours. When I give him my boobs, I get maybe half an hour max!

Yes, you should sleep when they sleep. I nap throughout the day when he naps & I definitely need it! I find myself falling asleep with him in my arms!

When he’s on a boob & feeding, I read to him. It’s important that he hears & gets to know my voice! I’m an avid reader so it’s my books that I read to him but luckily he’s not old enough to know what they’re about! I get to still read my books & he benefits from it by hearing my voice & in the long run, it’ll help his language & development which should be a bit more advanced than children whose parents who don’t read to their kids!

Breastfeeding was so painful for the first 10 or so days, he got his tongue tie cut & been fine ever since! So if you have issues with pain & breastfeeding, ask them to check your child over for tongue tie. The county we live in are really keen on breastfeeding & are ever so helpful! They call me every couple of weeks to check we’re still doing okay & to ask if we need any further help etc! They’ve been amazing!

Peace out ✌🏼